I led bible studies in high school and was an active member of my youth group. I went to a Christian college. I led mission trips. I was a “good” Christian. I followed all the rules and prayed all the right prayers because “it’s what we do.” But somewhere along the way, I was taught that “Christian” was synonymous with having it all together. When my life felt out of control, surely it was my fault. I wasn’t doing it right. I needed to pray harder. In my questions and doubts, through my struggles and pain, I had to maintain the image of the “good Christian” and no one could know. I had to protect the image of Jesus because my humanity would surely tarnish his holiness. In my faking, I forfeited the grace that Jesus died to bring. And now, 20 years after saying yes for the first time, I’m starting over at the beginning; meeting Jesus for the very first time.